"Lucky"

"Never fall in love with a friend", is what i told my self. And i did not listen.

We have been classmates for almost 3 years now and little did i know that i would fall for her. She is not cute but she is pretty. she is not tall but she is kinda hot. She is not girly but she is fun. She is persistent. She is smart. She is very influential. And i just love how she makes me shut up.

I'd be lying if i say that i did not see it coming. I did. Once. And i blurred it from my vision. And suddenly, it hit me dead on. And when i think of it, it is kinda ironic because the one who's turning me gay is now my reason for being a guy. the feeling was already overwhelming when i realized it. And if suppressing the feeling was hard, keeping it a secret was harder. I had to tell her or I'd burst like a balloon. But the hardest part is making her believe that it was true. I told her i love her a dozen times. As expected, she did not believe me. So, i ended up dong an illogical but effective physical action also a dozen times. After an ounce of tear and a couple of painful bites, i think she believed me.

After that, i had no idea how she felt. Kinda pissed, i guess. But me, i felt good. and worried. and scared. Good because keeping something that intense was a killer. Worried because things would probably be weird ...and awkward from now on. (i hope not) Scared because i might lose my best friend because of my stupidity and lack of control.

And let me clear things up. I don't want an "us", i don't intend to make her mine. I'm just happy with what already is and what we have right now. If you know who I'm blogging about, please do keep your mouth shut because you might mess things more than they are right now. I don't want to lose her.

"Smile! Everything gets a lot better after that." >=)

You

"A poem begins in delight and ends in wisdom."
-- Robert Frost

At last, I was able to write another poem. Well, this poem is about a person who is amazed about how another person "saved" him and made him feel okay after being in pain and suffering. He was delighted by her her actions, even though she does not really do anything at all.

You who, in all graciousness have saved
A flightless that had nothing to give
For my wings ripped by who I once craved
For my light dimmed by who once received
You who, in all miracles have done
Such a wonder at keeping me warm
When all the fair heat had passed through none
When nearly engulfed in rain clouds' swarm
You who, in all kindness, was the one
To give so great without giving some
That one touch sends violets to run
That one smile makes all the blues hum
But plain or grand, we wont cross the line
I am yours, you need not to be mine

"Smile! Everything gets a lot better after that." >=)

DJoker's Ultimate Merienda Sandwich

"When the going gets tough, I EAT!"

We were at my friends house when I was baffled with a bewildering question? "Peanut butter, cheese, ketchup or mayonnaise?

I told my self, "Why should I choose only one?". And before I was finished thinking about that, my body moved on impulse. I was spreading peanut butter on one loaf of bread and cheese to the other. I topped the first loaf with french fries and put the ketchup and the mayonnaise, then, the other loaf.

Thinking about giving the bizarre sandwich a bite was the hardest part of it. Good thing I was not thinking! I took a bite. I could taste the sweet nuttiness of the peanut butter, the cheesiness of the cheese, the yumminess of the ketchup-mayo plus the crunch of the fries. Indeed it was delicious!


"Smile! Everything gets a lot better after that." >=)

Prodigal Son

"All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth like pristine glass absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, and a few shatter childhood completely into jagged little pieces - beyond repair"

--The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom

I had a father, once. And he was the one who damaged me.

He was a seaman until he went overboard, literally. He went for the US and he had been staying there for the last 10 years. At first, it was good. He was able to provide for us. At one point in my life, I had a taste of a little luxury. But then, things got rough when he had to legalize his stay abroad. He has to quit his job and we had to suffer just a little setback, or so I thought!

Some time had passed since we received any decent benefit from my old man and we were heading into poverty. Little did we know about our situation because my mom did the best that she could so that we wont live poorly. She did the best she could but still, it wasn't enough. She also had to leave the country to provide for us.

I had to live with my father's sister because of our situation. I also had to transfer schools. It was at that time when I found out that my father had a family abroad. He already had 2 children with his concubine. The worst part is, his sisters had already known about it and they have not told us anything. I heard rumors but I don't just jump to conclusion. I found out about it because of the package he sent us. The first thing that I saw in the box was their family picture. I felt angry. I did not have a single clue on what the hell was that all about. How dare he send a picture of their happy family. It's just wrong. And also, I wondered If my mom knew about it and how she took it. I guess she did know about it and she was shocked and hurt by it. I also realized that he was unable to provide for us because his loin got itchy and he had to scratched it within another woman.

What I am most angry about is that my mom had to leave us because of my dad's lust. Cheating on my mom is one thing, but taking her away from us?! That's unforgivable.

Until now, we seldom receive any support from him. In three years, me and my brothers would be college graduates. In three years, we wont need him anymore. Yet, he refuse to of good help to us. Everything we hear from him are just empty promises. I am tired of listening. And when I graduate, I will work hard to have money so that I will be able to personally sue him for abandoning us.

If you are reading this, I hope you realize the pain and suffering you have brought upon us, especially me. I wish you would go to hell.

"Some wounds just wont heal..."

Cold Winds And Thunderstorms

"I was taken away before I sink in deep enough to any ones memory."

I was in my cousin's best friend's debut when this came to me. While we were eating such delicious food in such a fine place, one of my former classmates showed the crowd an audio-visual presentation about the debutant. While we were watching, I noticed that I was in the early parts of the video but as it continuous, I was literally out of the picture.

I am not mad at the one who made it, as if there was a reason to be mad about. I was just upset because there was a point in time that we were close friends and I haven't been there to take part in her most important memories.

After a long while of thinking, I realized that my high school life was equally divided in two parts. And if in one part I was not that significant, theoretically, I am not significant enough to the other.

I remember my old pals, they would go the MOA, all 3 of them and i have no idea if they were wondering if I would like to hang out with them. I got to join them once but ...I don't know, I'm just sayin'. XP

I have best friends from those different schools and every time I try to reconnect with them, I always come up short. Lack of interest, lack of resources and lack reason. Or maybe it is the fear of being rejected by people whom I left behind. I think I am afraid to know for certain that they were able to continue their lives without me. I was afraid that my presence really did not matter at all.

Maybe I was just destined to be forgotten.

"Smile! Everything gets a lot better after that." >=)

A Little Murmuring

"Asthma: A chronic respiratory disease, often arising from allergies, that is characterized by sudden recurring attacks of labored breathing, chest constriction, and coughing."

You know what, I don't know what I did to deserve this. Why are you dong these to me? (As if you are really doing anything) But tell me why do you have such different ways to trigger my asthma?

Whether you are asleep or awake. Whether you smile or frown. Even with just one look. You make me stop moving. You make me stop thinking. You make me stop breathing.
And at the same time, you make me feel so good, so alive. And don't even let me tell you what happens when you start to pout.

Indeed, my andenophilia is getting worse. And I never felt any better.

"Smile! Everything gets a lot better after that." >=)

Wordplay

"If you don't mind, may I ask why me?"

Being asked who is an easy question. It's a piece of cake. Being asked when and where is hard for me. It's a tough nut to crack. But being asked why? It's a murder.

You see, I present my self to others as a jester or a court fool. I make others laugh by being THE dumb one. But in my personal opinion, I am a very smart guy. I am just lazy to think. But in that precise moment, in that exact time, I was not able to stop thinking. In my mind, there was babbling, discussing and debating. Me, my self and I did not have the slightest hint about the answer to that simple question.

My mind was in a state of chaos and the noise was overwhelming. But in all of that noise, there was silence. It was this sincere silence of wonder that made me realize that I was dreaming and at the same time awake.

"...because it was you? I'm not really sure but your presence is enough to make me happy."

That was all I could I could reply. Yeah, yeah! I know it's lame. I know it sucks. But don't blame me, it was her who made all my veins and nerves go haywire.

Maybe the way she talks. Maybe the way she smiles. Maybe the way she makes me smile. Maybe because she is fun. Maybe the way she says hi after she knocks and you opened the door. Maybe the mystery. Maybe the way she presents herself. Maybe the fact that she showed me care when I most needed it. Maybe I mistook that act for care. Maybe because she is the perfect mix of finesse and crazy. Maybe the way everything seems so special when it is from her. Or maybe because she was simply extraordinary.

"Smile! Everything gets a lot better after that." >=)

Passion and Poetry

"I just love words."

There was a girl, back in high school, whom I liked very much. She was pretty, smart and has a very friendly "ate". If I remember it right, I noticed every morning while I was sitting in our classroom. She would always pass by and then, she was the apple of my eye since then. But here's the catch: TORPE ako! And if being torpe was a crime, i would definitely be guilty as charged.

Every time that I was close to her, my sweat glands burst and my words would shatter. So, I decided to write, in the form of poems and sonnets. Surprisingly, I have not written anything for her (This is officially the first one). My first poems are about ambiguous sadness and metaphors. Those were never about love to be presented to someone, especially a girl.

Since then, I had this passion for words. I am easily amused by defining words. I love words which are not often used. I read the dictionary. And, I always try to include long, unusual words to my sonnets. I also plan of releasing my own book, a compilation of my sonnets. If, by any chance, you find such book authored by some Crescent or Pedro: Ang Taong Supot, please buy it because, it will probably be me. :)
Well, since I am writing about sonnets. I think it is worth mentioning that my favorite writer is Sir William Shakespeare. I am currently in the path of having a copy of his works because, obviously, I would love to have him as my influence.

I haven't really written anything for seven months now, but I'm sure, when I write again, I would gladly post it here.

"Smile! Everything gets a lot better after that." >=)

Andenophilia

"I am just contented with the simple things she do."

Seeing her in a photograph makes me blush, and when I met her personally, she just made me blah blah blah blah blah (i can't really put it in words =p). She waved at me, then she smiled. That was enough to make me melt inside out. I talked to her like there was no tomorrow. I told her stupid things. I told her anything that i could think of. Actually, I don't remember anything I told her. I just remember the mesmerized feeling of being in her presence. And if her voice was an audio file, I would most likely play it on repeat and on the maximum volume. Clearly, she was out of any criteria I could think of.

With an unclear intention and a half-sober brain, I was calling her on her cellphone. It was just for hearing her voice again and convincing myself that what happened was never a dream nor a pigment of my imaginative mind. And every time that I got the chance to talk to her, I can't seem to find anything else to think about. I seemed to have lost my perception of time. And every time she hung up, she takes me back to this hypnotic trance that make me say blah blah blah blah.

There came a time that things got rough for me. At that time, she was one those few individuals whom I talked to. I was surprised because I was telling her the whole story. The pain. The wrath. The suffering. The sadness. But I was surprised even more when I realized that she was listening to me. I thought that, in her perspective, I was just an acquaintance and almost a friend. She showed me the kind of care and kindness that I needed. And by innocent confirmation of the fact that I was indeed her friend, she made me feel better.

I asked her out and she agreed. We met at one of the most panoramic places in Manila: Intramuros =). She was there with a friend, but nevertheless, she came. It was just a friendly date. We had a walk. We had a talk. And we had kwek-kwek and Float(yummy). Sadly, the date had to end and we had to go on our separate ways on the station. But I insisted to be with her as long as possible, and then again, she let me. She said goodbye but the smile on my face was with me on my way home. Every thing was just ordinary except the lady that I'm with was the most extraordinary I have ever known. For the record, it felt great.

It really did not occur to me when I exactly fell for her but what I know is that I wont stop... even if we are just friends. Just friends.

"Smile! Everything gets a lot better after that." >=)

Not-So-Happily Ever After

"Breaking her heart is tragic, but ruining her life is unforgivable."

Our fairy tale has ended.

We did not get back together but I honestly think it's much better this way. No regrets. No worries. No more pain. No more crying. We can both think of the same memory in a much better perspective. I am done about my past and I have learned so much.

(thank you nga pla kay patte at kay mai!)

"Smile! Everything gets a lot better after that." >=)

Toss Coin

She loves me.
I love her.

She cheated on me.
I fought for her.

She came back.
I gave her a chance.

She cheated again.
I had enough.

She wants me back.
I did not want her.

She had the pain.
I had my pride.

She broke my heart.
I broke her heart.

She's still in pain.
I became numb.

She still wants me.
I was dumb.

She loves me so.
I loved her still.

She is still in pain.
I want to ease her pain.

She was tired.
I held on.

She ignores the pain.
I swallowed my pride.

She didn't want me.
I want her back.

"Why so serious? Let's put a smile on that face!" >=)

Tragedy

"Break-ups can hurt like hell, but still, it is NOT unbearable."

Believe it or not, I had a girlfriend. Once. We met in an unusual time, in an unusual place, in our unusual selves. Our story started like a fairytale. A fairytale indeed. In our 3yr relationship, we have experienced almost everything. We even we far beyond any 15yr old kids would go. They had their rules, and we had our world. They had their bounds, we had each other. We cared so much about each other and we cared less about other people. We were so much in love. Or maybe too much in love. But we cared not as long as we're happy. Rapture. Bliss.

But then, we broke up. In an unexpected time with an unexpected reason. My brows were crumpled and my face, as if it never learned to smile. I felt angry, even wrathful. I thought of killing a person in an inhumane manner. A thousand murders were plotted in my mind. I was not my self anymore.

After anger, I felt such sadness. A kind of sadness that I never felt before. Some nights I will choose not to think. For every melancholic thoughts bring forth such pain. I would rather not think than weep. I also felt pity for my self. I was so helpless, so alone. And also, I felt guilty. I would ask my self, where did I go wrong or haven't I given enough.

After some time, I accepted what happened. Even though I never really understood why. I have friends that listened to me when I thought that I was unheard. I have friends that cared for me when I thought I was not cared for. And there was someone who made me feel happy and made me smile again. Then I realized, maybe, we were just victims of the same tragic end.

Just keep in mind that you not that alone. There will always be something or someone to make you feel that life is not so tragic. You would always have a reason to smile. Luckily for me, I had one.


"Why so serious? Let's put a smile on that face!" >=)

The Crescent and The Joker

A crescent is a phase of the moon that looks like the letter "C". C as in cool. C as in cruel. C as in cursed. And maybe, a representation of myself.

Night time was always a lone time for me. I talk to my self more than to other people. And some nights, when I feel lonelier than usual so I go out to our backyard and stare at the moon for a few moments. And every time I do that, I feel wonderful. I just feel warm and fuzzy inside. Thats when I decided that I would call my self Crescent.

Being Crescent, I had my fare share of what life has to offer. I laughed, I cried, and I made mistakes. I made new friends and lost some. I had fun, got drunk rocked out. I joked, kid and made a fool of my self. I fought a war with love and was defeated. I felt such extreme emotions that I have never felt before. I was pushed to my limits until, like mirror, I was shattered into a thousand pieces. I was lost.

Eventually, I found my self. But I was not the same anymore. I picked up the pieces of my old self but only those pieces that reflected the good things. I retrieved the smile, the laughter, the fun and the optimism that life is not so tragic. I told my self that I can still smile even when there is nothing to smile about. I told my self that I can still make a joke even when there is nothing to laugh about. Thus, The Joker is born.

"Why so serious? Let's put a smile on that face!" >=)